Monday, June 16, 2014

Half a Step Forward, Two Hundred Steps Back | Elizabeth Vasquez

I don't know the actual intention of this post, let alone if it will ever be posted. So much has been going on that I needed to get it all down. Out of my head and heart and down into words.  I guess in a way I feel as though maybe, just maybe, if I write it all down it will all just go away. Get better. Anything really. All the improvements that I have made over the past year have gone down the toilet. They are basically inexistent at this point. I started this journey a little over a year ago, at a very low time in my life. I was overcome with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. I took a leap and started this little blog where I could share what I loved to do, with complete strangers. Over the year I shared my likes, tips and life. I was so eager to post a new look or review as soon as possible in the beginning. Slowly these posts have diminished into a couple a month. This is not because I have lost interest, or want to stop. I have fallen back into my old ways and it has been a difficult procedure to find my way back. So difficult in fact, that I am still trying to get out of the hole that I have fallen into. 
Although I don't necessarily have to explain my situation to anyone, I feel as though I owe you this much. My father has cirrhosis. This is the final stage of liver disease. Last year, he was taken to many different doctors and put through numerous tests. Nothing. That is the same thing we would hear after every appointment. They couldn't find anything that was making him ill. Just looking at his physical being, we could tell something was clearly wrong. His weight dropped to a hundred pounds. He couldn't keep a singe bite of food down. It got to the point where he couldn't stand without falling over. He started needing help with everyday tasks. He couldn't drive, walk, or stand on his own. He always put a brave face on and acted as though it wasn't as bad as it looked. After all, the doctors couldn't anything so he must be fine. Right? It was one event that took place when I knew it was bad. Most of the time my mother was around to help my dad do things. This particular day, my mom was out and I was the only one in the house. I was getting ready for work and I heard knocking on my wall. The noise came from the bathroom located right next my room. My father had gone to the bathroom and was unable to stand on his own. He had been trying to stand for a while and was unsuccessful. I could see the tears in his eyes as he asked if I could help him up. He just keep repeating how sorry he was. It wasn't his fault, but I knew he felt guilty. I don't think anyone could ever image having to do that to their daughter. This was about his pride and dignity. At this point, he lost any that he had left. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. My father has been ill for years, but this is the worst we have ever seen him. It breaks my heart to look at him in the condition that he is in right now. We know it's not long now. You know the situation is bad when relatives you haven't seen in years, start to visit. I have terrible anxiety attacks when I think about losing my father. I'm his only daughter. How am I supposed to be daddy's little girl, if he isn't here anymore? How am I supposed to go on without him? Will he ever get to see me graduate from college? See me get married? Walk me down the isle? The worst thing is not knowing how long he will be around. It is like a waiting game. A game that I would rather not play.
I don't believe my father's situation is the only reason my depression has taken over my life. Usually when my depression kicks in, I go a couple of days before I feel better. This time it has been months. I always have anxiety, but my anxiety attacks have been going on every day. I feel lost. Insecure. Confused. Most days I don't have the energy to get out of bed. Daily tasks have become almost impossible to complete. All of the energy and motivation has been drained from my body. In fact, I have been working on this post for about two weeks now. This is not because I have been working so hard to make it completely perfect or organize all of my thoughts. I go to work and go home. I force myself to go out with friends. It is rather difficult to completely enjoy yourself when, in the back of my head all I can think about is being alone. It's summer and I have yet to start enjoying it. My thoughts are running through my head at a million miles per hour. Anytime I go out, I feel constantly judged on what I look like. My weight, shape, clothes, face,... everything. When I hear someone laugh, I automatically think that their laughing at me. As soon as I enter a store, I feel the pressure. I feel as though everyone's attention is on me. Like they're all staring and judging. This is not the actual case. It is just me feeling uncomfortable and out of place. I don't feel comfortable with myself. The only thing that is getting me through this is knowing I have hit rock bottom. I have nowhere else to go, but up. This is what gets me through the day.
Today I'm not as bad as I was yesterday. Everyday I'm trying to improve myself and get back to where I was mentally and emotionally. It's not gonna be easy and I don't guarantee that I will be 100% better. This is something that I'm going to have to struggle with the rest of my life. It is gonna be a constant battle with myself. I may lose today and win another day. This doesn't mean the war will ever end. This is something that is very difficult to get down into words. I tend to keep everything to myself and now I am about to put this out into the world for everyone to judge. Deep down I know it's the right thing to do. I constantly feel judged anyways. At least I have the opportunity to help someone. Let them know that if they feel this way, they're not alone. You can never truly understand someone that goes what I go through on a daily basis. Unless, you go through it as well. It is very easy for someone to say that people with anxiety are just being dramatic. It is another thing to try to understand what they are going through. You might not always be able to help, but just knowing you have their support means the world to people with anxiety. For now I am just trying to keep calm. Get my life together. I hope you'll be there along the way.

Love you always.
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